Monthly Archives: May 2012

A Birth and A Rebirth

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During the time that I was pregnant, I did a lot of healing work around the various things that I was aware of that could hold me back in preparing for a natural birth. My midwives taught me a lot about what could get in my way. After years of practice supporting women in labor, they found that those who worked through their issues in advance had a much easier time in labor.

I used many different healing modalities. I did endless yoga (as I was training to become a teacher). I also did reflexology, and energy work like reiki and craniosacral unwinding. But the one that I want to tell you about is hypnotherapy.

I used a hypnosis for childbirth program called  Hypnobabies as pain management to prepare for my natural birth. It just made sense to me. Hypnotherapy is very similar to guided meditation, which had been something I was very used to from yoga. The program is based on the idea that all women are born innately knowing how to give birth. But then American society teaches us that it will be a terrible, unmanageable ordeal, so we are thus afraid to give birth without hospitals and drugs. Theoretically, if we can reprogram our subconscious minds to trust that we are born knowing how to give birth, then we will be able to do so without as much fear.

Fear stimulates the adrenaline response in the body, the “fight or flight”. Once this starts, it routes the majority of blood flow to the major organs needed to escape danger. In a woman’s case, it routes blood flow away from the uterus. This response delays labor, and rightfully so- If a cave woman were approached by a bear while in labor, she would need labor to be put on hold so that she could run away to survive. Therefore, it is incredibly important that a woman is not in a state of fear, anxiety, worry, or stress while in labor. Any fighting against the flow of labor would stop or slow the progress.

That being said, I loved the Hypnobabies program as preparation for birth. However, I also felt like I wanted to deal with some very specific issues that I had been carrying around. So I looked up a local certified hypnotherapist and booked an appointment.

I had gone through several experiences through my life that I felt could possibly stall my labor. One of the main things that I wanted to focus on in my session was releasing a traumatic situation from my childhood, and forgiving all of those who had been involved in some way. This single experience had changed the course of much of my adult life, and seemed to always hover in the background for me, haunting me still. I felt that, even after years of effective psychotherapy, there was still a part of me that had never been healed from the trauma. The session ended up being focused around “unplugging” my emotional connection to that situation. I was also able to envision myself in a safe place with all of those who had been involved, and I saw each of them as two people. I understood that they existed in this life in the physical form, with all of their flaws and shortcomings. But I also understood that they also existed in Divine form, as their true selves, beautiful and kind. To be able to see them as living the best that they could through the faults of their human form really helped me to release the emotions I had been holding towards them. It was a wonderful experience.

And at the end of the session, I envisioned myself at the age that I had been when this event occurred. I asked this little girl what I should call her, and she said “Smiley”- my father’s nickname for me when I was a child. I held her hand and we walked together to cut the connection to the trauma. I asked her what else she needed from me to be whole. She said that she would be with me when I became a mother, that I could help her to heal by raising my own child with all the love and care that she had felt wasn’t given to her.

One year ago tomorrow, at 9:10 am, my daughter Simone was born. About a minute after she entered the world, she smiled. My doula looked at her and said “Hi, Smiley.” And my heart was full.

When Ego Causes Pain

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There is a certain amount of ego that can come along with running your own business. It’s something that I’ve become more mindful of lately, as I embark on this new level of self exploration. As a yoga teacher, I am placed in the role of providing what could be considered spiritual guidance to my students. As a spiritual teacher of sorts, I know that ego cannot play a role in who I am. Or at least, it cannot take over. I believe that a true spiritual teacher is full of humility and sees a bit of the silliness that is being placed in such a role. Who am I to be a spiritual teacher? I am just one of you, one of all of us.

And so from this place, I’ve started to look at the ways that ego has run rampant, unchecked, in my life over the years. I was experiencing a great deal of stress last week around the idea of being “responsible” for so many people. As a business owner, I was taking full responsibility for the livelihood of each of the studio employees. It was really weighing heavily on me, that somehow if I were to take a misstep and fail, all of these people would suffer as a result. The realization came that this feeling of responsibility for them was actually coming from an ego that had gone awry. I am not the only person who carries the vision of the studio to our customers. I am not the only person who holds space for the people who come in every day. No, we are a team. And the success of the studio is the collective responsibility of everyone who is working there. We all play a part in whether or not our clients choose to stay with us. We are all equals in a sense, even though I have the title of “owner”. What a relief!!

Ego also plays a role in our yoga practices for many people. Who has never looked at someone else on their mat and thought “I should be able to do that. What’s wrong with me that I can’t do that?” I have definitely experienced times when I drove myself too far into a pose that I wasn’t ready for, instead of listening to and honoring my body in the moment. It is a challenge when, for many, the practice of yoga is primarily about the physical results. And yet, the most challenging way for me to practice is from a place of humility. Listening to my body and finding my personal edge in the pose, then staying there even if everyone around me is somewhere else. That is a challenge!

The other piece of my life where I’ve discovered my ego was actually causing me pain was in my personal relationships. I’ve been highly intuitive my entire life, most readily in the form of empathy. I can be speaking with someone or sharing space with someone, and I begin to feel what they are feeling. I’ve always taken this knowledge of other people’s experiences, and used it to change the way I was being in the situation in order to help them feel better. I’ve even been in the habit of using my awareness of their emotions to try and steer them in a certain direction that I deemed to be best for them. I assumed that the gift I was born with was meant to be used for the betterment of those I encounter. At least I can say that, primarily, my intentions have been for the greatest good. But it is incredibly egotistical to believe that I had some kind of better way or right to influence other people because of my gift. Not only that, it has been completely exhausting to have spent every moment calculating how I should be, based on what I’m picking up from those around me. It has been so draining to feel responsible to try and help everyone all of the time. I cannot live this way. I didn’t realize the extent to which I was doing this until very recently, and I am shocked that I had been ignoring such an unbalanced energetic exchange. No wonder I was feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders! I was putting it there with grandiose ideas of self importance.

I recognize that I am coming to a place where I truly understand that the answers I have are only the answers for myself. It’s not that what I have learned is useless, it’s just that if other people are interested- they can ask me. It is not my place to assume responsibility for the healing of every human being that I encounter in life. It is only my work to stand with those along the way on their journeys if they request my presence. I have been given the gifts I have to use when it is asked of me, in ways that are for the greatest good of a willing party. It has never been my responsibility to take care of anyone but myself. (And my child. For now. Until one day, I have to pass that responsibility on to her. I hope she takes her dear sweet time being a child, because that will be a rough day for sure.)

Light/Darkness

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I feel like the practice of positive thinking has been misleading for me. I’m realizing that, in my efforts to remain positive in thought and action, I have been judging and shutting out a whole part of myself. I experienced a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy session last night (amazing work that I highly recommend!) and it brought my attention to the darker sides of myself that were feeling swallowed and ignored.

Overall, I feel incredibly happy and blessed to be able to do what I do every day at the studio. I know, I say it all the time. But it is my truth. I love teaching yoga, I love doing reflexology and energy work sessions. It gives me great joy to see the change on a student’s face when they exit a yoga class- calm, centered, grounded, and focused. I am definitely being sincere when I tell you that my true work in this lifetime brings me a real sense of fulfillment.

But there is also a part of me that is really sad and pissed off. It’s not pretty, I know, which is why I always hide it. Why am I angry? Because I have to ignore what I know is best for me and work a second job that overloads my time in order to be able to live my dream. And that really sucks. I feel sad that I cannot focus on my family the way that I would like to because I am working two full time jobs. I just need to acknowledge that part of myself in a public forum, because stuffing it down and pretending it doesn’t exist is not healthy.

Being angry or sad does not make me a “bad” person, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. I believe that we all experience what we consider to be “negative” emotions sometimes. I’m judging myself, when I decide that what I feel is “negative” and not good to show. And I’m creating a hidden space deep within where that anger and sadness fester unseen, and eventually explode.

As a student in the lifestyle that is yoga, I feel like I’ve taken the message of positive thinking the wrong way. Yes, having a optimistic perspective on things can change reality. Yes, expecting the best and trusting the Universe can lead to a life where abundance flows more freely. But what about honesty as well? There is a balance that comes when we are able to truly see who we are, light and dark, and then be that authentic person out in the world. I want to live free of the shame that comes with self-judgement. I want to recognize that all of my emotions are valid, and hold space for them. I want to see both parts of myself, accepting the whole of my being. Not dive too deeply into either my light or my dark, but be centered in both.

My goal as a yogi is to live a life of balance. And guess what? That means equally experiencing the “good” and the “bad”, allowing space for the full spectrum of emotions. Going further, even, and releasing the judgement that specific emotions are “good” or “bad”. Understanding that having anger with me right now doesn’t mean that I can’t be positive. I just can’t be ONLY positive. I have to be real.

The Dance of Illness and Wellness

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Everyone in my household has fallen ill in the last couple of days. The baby has some kind of viral upper respiratory bug, complete with two days of fever and counting. Her doctor says that unless it gets worse, we just have to ride it out until she’s better. My husband went to the emergency room today to find out that he has a 7mm kidney stone. YIKES. So things have been kind of crazy around here.

I’m really grateful that I am feeling well in the midst of all this illness. However, it reminds me of the purpose of illness, the concept surrounding the balance of illness and wellness. Illness arrives in our lives to remind us to slow down, to come to a more relaxed pace, and maybe even reevaluate the tasks we have chosen to take on. Even though I myself am not ill, having a sick baby automatically forces me to slow down as well. I cannot take her into the studio with me, so I must cover my shifts and stay home. This is a huge shift for me, because it involves trusting other people to bring my vision to life at the studio while I am not there. This, I have to admit, is not always an easy thing for me to do.

I really do love and trust the women who are a part of the Guru Momma family. (I hope that none of you reading this are offended! Then again, I’m sure you already see that it’s challenging for me to pass off control…) They are my extended family, people that I look forward to seeing every day. I have to stay aware of the fact that I am leaving responsibility in some very capable hands.

I also really love our clients. I enjoy being present every day to see who shows up, to find out what’s new with them, and to ask how they feel once class has ended.  I feel connected to them, because I am honored to hold space for these enlightened beings along their journey.  And I really do trust the entire staff of Guru Momma to honor them at the same level.

So what makes it so difficult for me to step back and stay home? To slow my pace and take some time to rest while I help my family to heal? I think it comes down to ego. I find myself subconsciously assuming that nobody else could do whatever I do every day in the same ways that I do. And I suppose that’s correct, because no other person would do everything identically. But that doesn’t mean that the people I leave in charge won’t do things WELL. That’s what I need to remember. My ways are not the only ways, and they are not necessarily the best ways either. It may be my studio, but I am not the only one who values what we do for people. I am not the only one who loves the staff, loves our clients, and has a vested interest in the success of the business.

I will continue to work on letting go of control, of delegating tasks to my wonderful staff and then trusting whatever way they choose to complete those tasks. I will love them unconditionally, for all of their unique and creative approaches to their work. I will honor my employees when they do things differently than I would, and I will even see that sometimes they are better suited to certain tasks than I am. In doing so, I will continue in the dance of illness and wellness, aiming to move more towards the balance of wellness every day.

Sharp Teeth

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I am covered in bite marks. All over my neck and shoulders, big bruised teeth prints… And before you go jumping to conclusions, let me just tell you, my child must be part vampire. She takes great joy in biting me, all the time. And it is driving. me. crazy.

She has been into this biting habit on and off since she got her first tooth six months ago. Every time it goes away for a while, I think she’s finally over it. Then, when I least expect it, she will just chomp down on my shoulder out of nowhere.

This time around, she has been biting regularly for a couple of weeks. I’m starting to lose my mind a little, and feel like maybe something is really wrong. We also aren’t sleeping as much as I would like, which naturally makes everything more dramatic. I have moments where I worry that I may be doing something really wrong as a mom.

I’ve been talking to lots of mothers at the studio with similar aged little ones to see if anyone else has experienced this. Overall, I haven’t heard any advice that has worked for us so far. I’ve been told to yell when she does it, so that my reaction will startle her. I tried it, and she doesn’t seem to care. I’ve tried setting her down on the floor when she does it- and she just howls in distress, but it doesn’t make a difference. My husband was looking online last night for ideas and came across some pretty desperate approaches. Things like wailing like a baby right after being bit. Really? You want me to pretend to be a baby? Or flicking baby’s cheek after they bite. I just can’t live with that, I would definitely wail like a baby if I did that to my child. Or biting the child back. Wow… that would be a cold day in hell…

So I come to the same conclusion that I’ve come to every single time that we go through one of these “ohmigosh this phase we’re in is driving me crazy” times- that I just have to ride out this span of her life as best I can. There is nothing I can do. I just don’t believe that I can have total control over my child’s behavior, only influence. I don’t believe that anyone can truly dictate the behavior of another human being, and why would we want to? The only thing I can do as a parent is try to teach her the reasons why she may not want to hurt someone else. And as she grows and is more able to understand, then she will be able to choose something other than biting me. Hopefully, she will not still be randomly biting me at age 12. It will stop eventually, on it’s own. And in the meantime, I just need to focus on doing the best I can to help her with her teething pain in positive ways. I need to move as gracefully as possible through the moments of pain. I need to remind myself that I am being the best mother that I know how to be. And remember that, even though she bites me all day long, at the end of the day she still loves me more than anything else in the world.

Ode To Chai Latte

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Oh, I love you with all my heart, my beautiful chai latte with almond milk. You bring me endless joy, like toothpicks propping my eyes open. I am indulging myself for the second time today in your caffeinated bliss because, let’s be honest, I’m not getting much sleep these days. And yet, you bring me all the strength I need to teach a Power Yoga class and then some. At least until the dreaded caffeine crash. But I will take what I can get these days.

The only way that I would love my local coffee shop more is if they would offer to watch my child and do some of my work for me while I take a nap… Future business model idea? Perhaps. That sounds like a totally untapped market…

The Power Of No

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Simone has begun demonstrating full use of her first real word. The one word that I dreaded her learning, the one word that I was hoping would come much later: “No”.

The good news is that sometimes her use of the word is hilariously appropriate. For example, asking her to go to sleep when she’s up in the middle of the night, she looks at me and responds “No”. So at least she has a good sense of humor…

As she was saying “no” repeatedly at the studio the other day, and I was bemoaning her use of it, a friend made an interesting comment. She said something about how Simone was setting boundaries. And it got me thinking, why was I so upset at her use of this specific word? Why did that have such a negative connotation for me?

Because really, she is asserting her own voice for the first time. She is getting to make decisions for herself, to decide whether or not certain things are okay with her. Even though she is still very small, she now has a say (at least in some ways- things like baths, bedtime, and brushing her teeth are still required). So maybe I should be looking at this time as her first step towards empowerment. Her first experience of autonomy.

What’s so bad about the word “no” anyway? Maybe I need to take a lesson from my child. Because I tend to forget to say “no” sometimes. In efforts to be helpful, nice, likeable, and giving- I have often said “yes” when I should have said “no”. And then I found myself in situations of failing to do what I agreed to, or doing it with minimal effort. Why do I consider it to be rude to just say “no” when something isn’t right for me?

And this is where I see that I want my child to learn different values than the ones that I was raised with. I want her to joyfully, kindly, easily say “no” to anything that isn’t right for her. I want her to say “no” without feeling guilty doing so, I want her to say “no” from a place of self-love and respect for her own truth. I want her to say “no” and still have no doubt in her mind that she is a wonderful person who is making the right choices. I want her to honor the place where she’s at in the moment, and never take on more than is appropriate.

So I realized that I do need to learn a lesson from her. I need to learn to use the word “no” freely and joyfully, when it is appropriate.

Because all of those values that I want her to live by- she will only learn them from me if I live by them as well.

Be Careful What You Ask For…

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I woke up this morning, and the state of affairs at the studio was on my mind. As a new business, we are still day-to-day when it comes to bringing in the money that we need to stay afloat. Generally speaking, I consider myself to be up to the challenge of handling the “what ifs” of a small business owner. I run the studio from a place of understanding that the Universe will direct things to play out in whatever way is best suited to my growth and learning in this life. But I also believe that running a successful business requires hard work and sometimes long hours. In other words, I can’t just sit back and expect the Universe to reward me when I haven’t done anything in the first place. I live a balance of these two ideas, part “Trust the Universe” and part “Work my @*$ off”.

There have definitely been moments along the way when I wasn’t sure that I could afford to put food on the table at home and still keep the doors open. And yet, here I am. This space is my passion. I wholeheartedly believe in the power of yoga to transform people’s lives, because I have lived it. I believe that mothers should have a space to be included in the progression towards greater consciousness in the world. I believe that the nurturers deserve to be nurtured as well. Not only that, moms NEED support and love. It is essential to the well-being of an entire family that the momma is getting some time to herself, some space to breathe. A conscious, connected, healthy momma will raise conscious, connected, healthy children. And that is the change that I want to see in the world. Bottom line: I LOVE what I do. I LOVE our clients. I LOVE their kids. This, right here, is exactly what I want to be doing.

Well, this morning I woke up and my first thought was to ask for a small miracle. I need a small miracle. Not a huge miracle, but just enough. I need the budget to balance out. Because I want to take this vision to a higher level. That is my purpose here, on this earth. To hold space for other people’s healing. To support the unsupported. To help moms who give all their love away find the value in sending some of that love back to themselves.

This afternoon I got a phone call, returning a call that I made about six months ago.  On that call, I was offered an opportunity for free marketing to a large audience, with an almost guaranteed income as a result. I am beyond thrilled, and of course I can’t help but notice that the timing was perfect. I am so grateful for my small miracle!

Rising Up From Exhaustion To Find Another Way…

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Yesterday, we spent the day celebrating our Mothers. One day out of 365 to appreciate the genuine love and support that every mother embodies. I found myself feeling especially spoiled yesterday, my first Mother’s Day with a child of my own. It is a wonderful feeling, and yet what happens the day after? We return to everyday life, with varying degrees of displays of appreciation from our families.

And I don’t mean to say that I feel unappreciated. However, I do think that sometimes it is actually impossible for each of us to receive the recognition we may be seeking for the things we do. At least, that was my experience a few months ago. I found myself working a full time job, running a full time business, and being a full time mommy to my daughter in the midst of it all. I was exhausted, and I felt totally overwhelmed, overworked, and unappreciated. I saw that I was using every last drop of energy to work towards the things that I wanted to have for my family. Financial stability, freedom to do what we really love in life, time to spend together- I saw all of these things up ahead if I could just keep working hard enough. But in reality, I was working so hard that I was forgetting to enjoy anything that I was experiencing in the moment. And there wasn’t anything that my husband or my friends could have done in appreciation that would’ve seemed like enough.

Truthfully, I am still very busy now. I put a lot of energy towards my business, my second job, and parenting- every single day. So what has changed?

I learned through my teaching that what I really needed was to appreciate MYSELF, instead of waiting for recognition to come from the outside. I needed to recognize all of my daily accomplishments, and reward myself in little ways at every chance I got. So now, I spend time each day in awe that I have woken up, that millions of tiny biological functions are working in harmony to allow me another day in my body. I spend time in awe of the fact that I grew a whole new human being within me- and now she exists in the world as a funny, awesome being who brings people so much joy. I appreciate the amount of energy that it takes to get up and out the door each morning, to give my heart to my students through teaching yoga, to squeeze in eight hours of work that isn’t my passion in order to support the path to my dream job generating enough income. I appreciate myself for the moments when I am a wonderful, loving parent, wife, and friend. I forgive myself for the moments when I am less than graceful, and appreciate that at least I can be honest with myself about my shortcomings. And I find that, while I am still in the process of learning what true balance might look like, I am at least feeling a lot happier in the process.

We all embody the Divine Mother energy in some way. Often, we expend all of that energy taking care of the things that just need to be done every day. How often do we turn that loving, supportive mothering energy towards ourselves and really recognize what amazing beings we are?

Day One

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Welcome to my blog about life as a mommy, yogi, and entrepreneur. I am looking forward to beginning this journey of sharing my thoughts and experiences with all of you. I can only hope that what I have to offer will be a positive addition to the blogging world. My intention is to create a space where we can support each other in all of our endeavors, and recognize that just because we have small children doesn’t mean that we can’t advance in the business world. So I guess I should just jump right in…

Oh, has it ever been a season of change in my life! In the past month, the entire structure of my yoga studio has changed, as my business partner Jen has stepped away to do her own thing, and I am taking over as the sole owner. I am so thrilled for her as she is following her true path, though it is bittersweet as that happens to be leading her away from Guru Momma. The truth is, this business probably would not exist if it weren’t for Jen and all of her amazing gifts. I myself happen to be a dreamer, if I had to categorize my habits. I could come up with about a million ideas for amazing things I want to do, but it is a rare day when I can remain focused enough to turn any of those ideas into reality. And so, when Jen and I started discussing opening a studio, she remained grounded in the manifestation of the space, while I floated up in the ethers of creativity and ideas. I truly believe that she stepped in to my life not only to be a great friend, but to lead me into living my true passion. She has taught me so much about how to generate a real-life business from a spark of thought. I am so blessed to carry on the mission of the studio from this point forward, and I will work even harder towards success because of the motivation and inspiration she has brought me. She will always hold a special place in my heart. And so, it is not really an ending at all, just a change that will help bring both of us more in alignment with our true selves.

In the past month, my husband and I have also moved our family in with his mother on a temporary basis. Wow, this experience has really opened me up to accepting the guidance of the Universe without question. When the idea first came up, I was incredibly unsure of how it would all work out. In our society, we consider something like moving back in with a parent to be quite a failure. So as I was faced with this choice, I really struggled to find a way to look at it positively. I am an introverted person at heart, and I have always appreciated my space and some regular, quality alone time. Well, four people living in a 1000 square foot apartment definitely doesn’t allow for a lot of space or time to myself. But I’m learning to balance those needs through my yoga practice, and with some alone time at the studio. I recognize that this is just, quite simply, the best arrangement for my family at this time. I love my mother-in-law, and she is a very respectful and kind person to share a space with. I am thankful to have a great relationship with her, and I love seeing a deeper connection develop between her and my daughter. And, I keep reminding myself, this is not going to be forever.

All in all, the changes that I have been seeing are bringing me to a greater awareness of the need for me to focus on caring for myself. I am pressed for time, and don’t have the space I’m used to, so I’m having to be more conscious of addressing these needs in other ways. I have been scheduling regular massages, and jumping in to take yoga classes more frequently than I used to. I am practicing daily energetic clearings to stay more balanced, and using meditation to find silence within. The one thing that I hold close to my heart in these times of transition is the knowledge that sweeping change always brings me to a better place in the end. And while the process is challenging and sometimes overwhelming, I do know that I am just being prepared for the next level of life that will soon be here. May I just manage to hold on to my health and sanity in the meantime…