Category Archives: Self Care

10 Ways To Maintain Balance as a Mom

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I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had on the subject of being a mom and still feeling good and balanced in life. Sometimes it’s me who is stuck in a rut, and sometimes it’s a friend, but this is such a common thing. Women, especially moms, tend to delve so deeply into the caregiver role that we end up feeling totally lost in the process. So here are some ideas to help you feel like a “real person” again:

1. Make Time For Your Hobbies: This is so valuable for me when I remember it as a part of our day to day routine. If I can spend a little time doing something I really enjoy, I feel so much more energized afterwards. Sometimes, I will just sit down and play guitar (quietly!) while the girls are both napping. Other times, I may feel like painting, so I pop the baby in the Ergo and set Simone up with some paint too. We might make a mess of the kitchen, but involving her in one of my favorite activities is a special treat for both of us!

2. Move Your Body: Movement can be so beneficial for our moods and overall well-being! I’m not talking about the “kick your own butt” gym workouts that feel like punishment for the number of snacks you’ve had in the last week. I mean just popping the kids in the stroller and walking to the park. Or having a super wild and fun living room dance party with your toddler. Make fun movement a part of your daily priorities and see how awesome it makes you feel. Added bonus: not only will this be fun for your kids, but you’re also teaching them the value of keeping their own bodies moving!

3. Take A Shower Every Day: This one seems SO simple, yet so many of us just don’t make the time for it. I feel infinitely better to just be clean at the beginning of the day. It helps wake me up and gets me motivated to have an awesome time with my kids. So set the alarm to get up 15 minutes before they usually wake. Or set them up with some activities in a safe space while you quickly clean up. Your uplifted mood will be SO worth it!

4. Dress Yourself: I just looked down at my pajama pants. Yes, I’m still wearing them at 4pm… So I need to remember this one myself. Sometimes all it takes to feel like a normal person is a pair of jeans. They can be comfortable jeans, sure, as long as you put on something that you feel good in. It may feel silly or pointless to get dressed on days when you don’t plan on leaving the house, but I think it makes a difference. Wearing clothes that fit and make me feel like I have a shape (besides “undefined blob”) can definitely affect how good I feel. And while we’re at it, a touch of your favorite makeup can boost your confidence too!

5. It’s The Little Things: If I’m feeling particularly frumpy or low, I try to ask myself what one small thing might help in that moment. Sometimes it’s a latte. Sometimes it’s a new plant or some fresh flowers. Sometimes it’s going out for dinner that night instead of cooking at home. Sometimes it’s calling a friend and feeling connected to the outside world. Whatever those little things are, give yourself a boost when you need it.

6. Mom’s Time Out: I don’t care who you are and how infinitely you love your kids (because we all love our kids infinitely), there is nothing wrong with a little time away. I have a three month old, so I don’t leave her very often right now. I usually go out one night a week to meet with some friends, and I take her with me when I go. Still, leaving the house feels so wonderful when I am home so much of the time. My girls and I have some wonderful days together, but I still need some time to remember what it feels like to be myself. This can be the infamous “trip to the grocery store without kids” (a vacation!) or a drive down the street to get a massage (heaven on earth!). Time with my children is so incredibly valuable to me, especially when they are so young, but taking the time to get out a bit is healthy too.

7. Don’t Put Your Needs Last (Or Leave Them Out Entirely): We all want to be the perfect mom, and feel like we are doing everything we possibly can to help our children grow and succeed. Somewhere along the line, we’ve been taught that the perfect mom is selfless. (Or, perhaps even that the perfect woman is selfless.) Think of the connotations of the word selfless: self-less, without a self. I don’t want to be without a self, without an identity apart from giving to and caring for others. It’s OKAY to have needs, and to balance them with the needs of your children. We can still be loving and caring (and I find that I can be even more so) when we address our own needs as well. If I am feeling taken care of, because my needs are met, I feel happy and joyful. I am much more likely to respond to my frustrated toddler with compassion and understanding. But when I am drained, exhausted, worn out, forgotten, frumpy, and sad- the minute things get challenging with my kids, I want to yell and scream. Working to stay balanced has changed who I am as a mother in such a positive way. You have to put your own needs on the radar.

8. Go With The Flow: I will be the first to admit that I have control issues sometimes. I can get so caught up in the plan of what we are supposed to do in a day, that I forget to be in the moment with myself and my kids. Scenario: It’s Wednesday morning and I have planned for us to go the zoo. My toddler slept in later than normal and now we don’t have a lot of time before we have to come home for a nap. I will run around the house like a maniac, throwing things together, overwhelming the girls with my frantic behavior, to get to the zoo as quickly as possible just because that was the plan. What I’m learning now is to go with the flow instead. If we wake up late, if one of the girls is moving slowly, if I wake up tired after a rough night with the baby- it’s okay to change our plans. It’s okay to say no to an obligation or invitation if it isn’t right for us in that moment. Adapting to what our needs are that day helps us all feel much less stressed. We may not get everything done, but feeling great is well worth it.

9. Plan For Rest Days: Sometimes, we will have 3 or 4 days in a row where I feel like we just have so much going on. Maybe one of the girls isn’t feeling well for a bit. Or we end up running around for various appointments or other obligations. I can feel myself getting more and more exhausted each day. When this happens, I clear the calendar for a day of rest. We stay in our pajamas all day, play games, eat healthy foods, and just relax and restore. Odds are good, if you’re feeling tired, then your children are too. Sometimes some down time is just what everyone needs. While getting out and getting things done can be wonderful, there is a time when rest is more valuable.

10. Ask For What You Need: Speaking up about where I need help or support has always been a challenge for me. Then, one day, I realized- why do I expect the people around me to read my mind? I would get frustrated when they didn’t step up and do the things that I wanted them to do, but I would never tell them what I needed. This especially applies to my husband, but I know I’ve had these ridiculous expectations with my friends and family as well. Now, we have a rule in my house. If my husband or I need the other one to do something, we ask. At first, I was still pretty bad at this, but it’s gotten easier. And let me tell you what a huge difference it has made! There were so many little things that he didn’t mind doing at all, once I let him know I needed them. Like holding the baby while I did 15 minutes of meditation. And instead of feeling frustrated that I couldn’t get 15 minutes to myself, I end up feeling relaxed and centered. It really is a simple concept, it just takes some focus and determination to make speaking your needs work for you.

Being a good mom doesn’t mean that you have to get completely lost in staying at home with your kids. It DOES matter how you feel. And if a few small things can help you feel way more confident and happy, your entire family will benefit. Plus, when you demonstrate how to live a balanced life, your kids will be watching and learning from your example. So take the time to make your days great!

Loving Kindness and Unbalanced Relationships

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As I learned more about yoga over the last few years, I was taught about the value of ahimsa, non-harm of self and others. Even beyond the yoga world, it seems that this idea of kindness to all is everywhere I look lately. Loving all living things, as we are all connected. I love this concept, but I recently discovered a deeper clarity around it. To put it simply, I was taking these values of loving, kindness, and giving to others way too far in my life. My relationships were at best unbalanced, and at worst unhealthy. In attempts to not be judgmental of others, I refused to look at the truths of some of the people I was surrounded by.

Now, I still believe that kindness and love are extremely valuable. However, I am learning to be honest with myself about the effects that certain people have. The reality of life is that there are some people in the world who are energy draining. You can become aware of who these people are in your world by tuning into the responses you feel in your body when you are in their space. I often respond by feeling suddenly exhausted, getting a headache, or feeling sick to my stomach. Sometimes I feel tension come over me, or a new pain somewhere. When you have a specific response around a specific person, it often means that you are feeling their energy, not your own.

For me, it is important to remember that often these people have no real concept of their energy- they are unaware of their ability to change it, control it, or even how it affects those around them. We are all doing the best we can with our own individual levels of awareness. And this is where non-judgment plays a role. I make my best efforts to recognize where a person is coming from and to accept them as they are. However, I can accept and even love them without continuing the relationship. I really try to control my speech around these issues, creating a clear awareness around the reality of the energy I feel without slandering the source. In other words, this isn’t a call to abandon a friendship and then proceed to talk all kinds of crap about the person. If and when you choose to walk away, let it be a clean break. Otherwise, you are still feeding them your energy as you engage in all the drama you are creating around them.

My most recent lesson has been this: It is best, it is okay, it is right to honor your own wellness and remove yourself from someone’s space if they are draining your energy. In fact, because you are avoiding energetic harm to yourself, doing so DOES follow the principles of ahimsa.

So what if, in order to remove yourself from this person’s space, you have to cut off a relationship and that could hurt them? Are you causing them harm? Is it a question of whose well being is more important? Is one of you more valuable than the other? This is a challenging place to be, to say the least. I believe that there is a difference between HURTING someone and HARMING someone. The Universe carries us through many shifts and changes that really hurt, but in the end, those hardships fueled our growth. The changes were positive, once we processed the hurt. I do not believe that we are meant to live life without ever feeling hurt, because it is just so essential in our evolution. Therefore, there are going to be times when we will need to cut off certain relationships, and it may hurt someone’s feelings. Guess what? It is still okay to put yourself first and honor what you need. Ending a connection in a respectful way does not cause harm.

All in all, I’m starting to look for an energetic balance in my relationships with other people. Recognizing which friendships honor both parties involved, and feeding those connections. Achieving balance in my life has been a long term lesson for me, focusing on this one aspect of that has made all the difference.

Are you aware of any relationships in your life that are unbalanced energetically? Have you considered what the affects are of maintaining connections with people who drain your energy? How are you feeling about protecting your space and your energy by cutting those ties? My advice to you is this: love yourself, and always find a way to honor what you feel.

Coming Back From Defeat

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It is hard to face defeat. It is even more difficult when that defeat is bitter, involving a whole range of emotions from anger to guilt to heartbreak.

We all face failure at times, moments when we realize that things are not going to go as planned. There is no more righting the ship, it’s simply time to jump overboard and let it go. I created a business that embodied my passion. I loved what I was doing, what I was able to provide for women in my community. But that doesn’t mean that I did everything right. Just because I was doing what I really want to be doing in this life, doesn’t mean that I was doing it in the best way possible.

People tell me that this is just the way it’s meant to be. When a door closes, a window opens. And while I believe that to be true, life always goes on, I still need to take the time to honor my own emotional process. And so, I have been grieving the loss. It’s been just over two months now, yet feels like much longer. I have not made any attempts to brainstorm what I want to do next beyond occasional private sessions. My heart is still in pain and I am not ready to pull my big visions out of the closet yet. For a while, I felt useless because I am at a complete standstill. However, I am willing to allow that sometimes processing through deep, heavy, and old emotions is enough to take on without any external appearance of accomplishment. Whatever I do each day is enough, because I am enough, and I am deserving of some downtime to sort this all out properly.

I have hurt people in the process. That has been one of the most challenging parts to face. I’m ready to let that go, because I see that hurting people is sometimes a part of life. The truth was, I had taken on supporting much more than was healthy for me. I had more people depending on me for more than I could possibly give. I was suffering. My family was suffering. And the only way to get all of that weight off my back was to let everyone else down. I see that clearly, and I understand it to be part of the reason why many people simply choose to continue to carry the weight. I wanted to keep doing what I was doing, even though it wasn’t balanced. I wanted to keep giving, because that’s where I thought that my value came from. If I was always giving, supporting everyone around me, than how could anyone dislike me? Now I realize that being disliked is sometimes necessary. My value comes from how much I value myself, first and foremost. Being liked by everyone is never possible when we live from our truth. Likeability is often the direct result of compromising oneself to please other people, and I won’t live that way anymore.

So I have drawn a line in the sand, so to speak. I have created a strong boundary for myself. I no longer give my energy in uneven exchanges. My health and well being, and that of my children (one yet unborn), are my primary concerns. I still have a lot of emotions to work through, I’m still encountering moments of anger, guilt, sadness- but that’s okay. I am moving forward.

Jump, And The Net Will Appear…

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Where have I been? That’s a good question. I’ve been riding some pretty tumultuous waves for the last few weeks, culminating in a very abrupt closure of my business yesterday afternoon. Temporary closure, as my intention is set firmly on moving forward as soon as possible.

It has been a really emotional 24 hours. A lot of sudden shifts are appearing all around me. I was expecting life to be business as usual, and instead, here I am at a stand-still.

I decided to step out to the public and make it known that I was having trouble. It took a lot to do that. My ego-self was screaming “NOOOOO!” the whole time. I can still hear it in some moments here and there, protesting the public admittance that my plans have gone awry. I feel a bit naked in front of a crowd. I am a seeming failure, I should be so embarrassed. Yet, I can feel that this is just another shift. It might not look as such from the outside, but from within- my business was unhealthy. I had created it as such because I, too, was unhealthy. My energy was going everywhere except for the places that it needed to be. I was sacrificing myself, all the way to the brink of possibility, to support the healing of others. I was giving everything I had away, forgetting about self-care (the very tenet at the core of my mission). How could it continue in that way?

The answer is that it couldn’t. And just like when we, as individuals, are going about things in a really self-depleting way, the Universe stepped in and put a stop to it. My business was so sick, that the Universe essentially checked it in to the hospital for some complete bed rest. Just like in our own lives, for it to change, the business has to undergo a painful transformation. Leaving our old ways behind is hard. It’s emotional, it’s gut-wrenching, it’s a test of our will to move forward in a new way. We cry, we scream, we cry some more. Most people think we may have lost our minds, but a few see that the path is indeed on the other side of the mountain.

Transition is a difficult place to be.

And yet, here I am. I still have my family. I still have a life. I still have a heart full of love. I still have all the passion in the world for my mission through Guru Momma. I will survive. My work will survive. All appears to be lost, and yet, nothing has been lost at all except for an old, limiting belief system. I am strong and steady, standing still, patiently anticipating my next step.

(If you’d like to support my mission, you can read my letter about fundraising here: www.gurumomma.com)

 

Women’s Lunar Wisdom

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Last night, my friend Aubrey and I hosted a Women’s Lunar Wisdom circle at the studio. A group of us gathered, and we spoke about what the energy of the New Moon and the Summer Solstice were bringing into our lives. I thought that I would share with you some of what we discussed.

We have been experiencing a lot of energetic shifts in the Universe lately- with so many unique and rare planetary events taking place. This week, we are experiencing the New Moon in Gemini (yesterday) and then today is the Summer Solstice and the sun has shifted into Cancer.

What is a solstice? It means “sun stands still”- so the sun rises and sets in the same place for three days. This time gives us pause to reflect on all that we have accomplished since the Winter Solstice. To climb up on the proverbial mountain and look back over the path that we have taken- recognizing all that we have been through. It is also time to set the stage for the next few months, setting our intentions going forward.

New Moon is a time for manifestation. It is also a time for setting our intentions, sending the Universe a message about what it is that we are calling into our lives. Because the New Moon and the Solstice are happening so close together, there is an extremely high level of energy around our power of manifestation right now. The Law of Attraction is most definitely at play in a strong way. What you think about the most is what you will manifest in your life, and what you believe will materialize is what you will actualize. Be very aware of your thought patterns, any loops that run through your mind regularly. Are you focusing on what you do want, or focusing on what you don’t want? Shift your thoughts to focus on what you want to manifest, or else you will be calling the things you don’t want to materialize in your life. You are much more powerful than you may realize in determining what happens in your world, and it is essential to be aware of what you are creating.

Being in Gemini, this New Moon was unique because it was the second in a row that fell under Gemini. The energy of this particular moon has a lot to do with communication- looking at how we can improve our communication, both with ourselves and with others. Because the Solstice is the following day, the energy of Gemini will come with us through the fall. Gemini is all about playfulness, fun, adaptability, creativity, and lively energy.

The Solstice today is under the sign of Cancer, which is all about self-care, love, releasing ego, and home/family life. Now is the time to stop making excuses, and begin to make self-care a top priority in your life. Whatever it is that you can do to recharge your energy stores, you should invest time in- whether it’s a hot bath, a massage, a yoga class, a nap, some alone time, etc. Ask your body what it needs from you to feel better, and then see if you can say yes. It’s time to stop depleting your energy by giving it away to the people around you. Create clear boundaries for yourself, and learn to say no when someone requests too much of you.

Also, the planetary alignment beings up an opportunity for more clarity around ego- how ego limits our true expression of self. It is good to remember that however we are right now is absolutely perfect. There is no need to force ourselves to live up to some impossible ideal. Recognizing that we have already accomplished so much will help with this. Reflect on the ways that ego and the fear of failure may be holding you back from moving forward.

I love having the opportunity to gain a greater awareness of what is going on in the Universe so that I can look at how it may be showing up in my life. Most of the time, when I’m researching for these events, it’s like a bunch of light bulbs going off in my head! It’s amazing that so many aspects of the moon’s energy are already starting to appear in my thoughts, emotions, relationships, etc. I honestly believe that we are meant to live from a place of greater connection to the natural world, and we are truly affected by it whether we realize it or not!

A Few Of My Favorite Things…

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I was preparing to teach a class yesterday morning, and I pulled a book off the shelf at the studio to search for a quote to share. As the Universe would have it, the page that I opened to contained exactly the words that I needed to hear. Even though things like that happen frequently, I’m still so thrilled each time!

Here is what I read, from “Trust Your Vibes” by Sonia Choquette:

“Being passionate about life tends to change your vibration from one of resistance and defense to one of attraction and receptivity. When you love life, life loves you back– so when you dive into it with exuberance and joy, life will reach out and enthusiastically embrace you. The more you love life by fully engaging in what feeds your soul, the more you spread that love around, and in doing so you heal yourself and others.”

“Life lovers have incredible charisma and charm, drawing people to them because their vibration is so soothing and positive. But being such a person isn’t easy, nor is it an accident. It’s much easier to be cynical and dark and argue for why life is miserable. The ego loves to suffer– and the louder, the better. Lovers of life say no to this death sentence, making intentional choices to appreciate and enjoy the gifts that life offers.”

The writer proceeds to get further into the idea that the more you love life, the more that you draw to you everything you need. I’m reading this and realizing just how much this could apply to my life. I am stuck in the ego– stuck in the suffering mentality. At some point, I bought into the idea that I have to sacrifice all of my time and energy in order to run a successful business. It is time to break free and start enjoying life again!

At the end of the chapter, Choquette offers ways to bring this idea into your life:

“Focus on what makes you content and fills you with a sense of satisfaction. Once you identify what brings you joy, seek to indulge in it every day. The more you nurture your spirit, the more attractive to others your energy will be, drawing to you all you need. Stop being too responsible, and make room to have more sweet, soul-soothing moments. See how different life feels when you feed your soul and how differently people act towards you.”

This passage came to me the day after I completed my calendar, scheduling out every single minute of my time. Seriously, I was just showing one of the teachers how full it is, and we couldn’t stop laughing. How terrible! I’ve been telling myself that if I can go against my nature and work within a very specific set schedule, then perhaps I will lower my stress. The reality is, I hate being so strict with my time. And I feel like it limits my ability to live in the flow of life, and do whatever feels right in each moment. So I am back to the drawing board- looking at ways to live more freely and yet stay afloat.

In the meantime, I’m going to spend more time focusing on the joys that are present in my life. Here is a list of some of my favorite things:

- Kissing my little girl’s soft, chubby face. She is so sweet, I can’t get enough!

- Enjoying a chai latte on my way to the studio in the morning. Taking the time to give myself that gift of tasty goodness!

- Sitting quietly in meditation while my yoga students rest in savasana. Feeling their peace and relaxation, just holding space for them. Going within to find peace and relaxation myself.

- Baby snuggle time. Baby hugs. Baby drool kisses. Can’t. Get. Enough.

- Taking an extra-long, extra-hot bath at the end of a long day. Unwinding in silence and letting go of stress.

- Exploring the next level of my yoga practice and loving every minute of the challenge. The giggles that come when I fall down. The amazement that overtakes me when a new pose comes together for the first time!

- Seeing my husband and our baby cuddled up asleep together. They are so in love, could anything be cuter?

- Enjoying a really good vegan dessert. Because seriously, who doesn’t love dessert?

- Loving the people that I work with, the work that I am able to do, and the community that I support. The people who make up the Guru Momma family have no idea the gratitude that they bring me every day. I am so happy that they support what I love!

- Intense, deep conversations with my husband about all aspects of life. I am lucky enough to have my best friend with me every day of my life.

- The wonderful, supportive, kind, caring, joyful women that I am lucky to call friends. Women that inspire me, challenge me, call me out on what I need to see, make me laugh. So much love.

When was the last time that you made a list of your favorite things? Are you living from a place of loving life, or are you like I have been– a slave to responsibility, sacrificing myself every day to a strict schedule and starving your soul of the freedom you desire? What will it take to get back to the sweet, soul-soothing moments?

A Birth and A Rebirth

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During the time that I was pregnant, I did a lot of healing work around the various things that I was aware of that could hold me back in preparing for a natural birth. My midwives taught me a lot about what could get in my way. After years of practice supporting women in labor, they found that those who worked through their issues in advance had a much easier time in labor.

I used many different healing modalities. I did endless yoga (as I was training to become a teacher). I also did reflexology, and energy work like reiki and craniosacral unwinding. But the one that I want to tell you about is hypnotherapy.

I used a hypnosis for childbirth program called  Hypnobabies as pain management to prepare for my natural birth. It just made sense to me. Hypnotherapy is very similar to guided meditation, which had been something I was very used to from yoga. The program is based on the idea that all women are born innately knowing how to give birth. But then American society teaches us that it will be a terrible, unmanageable ordeal, so we are thus afraid to give birth without hospitals and drugs. Theoretically, if we can reprogram our subconscious minds to trust that we are born knowing how to give birth, then we will be able to do so without as much fear.

Fear stimulates the adrenaline response in the body, the “fight or flight”. Once this starts, it routes the majority of blood flow to the major organs needed to escape danger. In a woman’s case, it routes blood flow away from the uterus. This response delays labor, and rightfully so- If a cave woman were approached by a bear while in labor, she would need labor to be put on hold so that she could run away to survive. Therefore, it is incredibly important that a woman is not in a state of fear, anxiety, worry, or stress while in labor. Any fighting against the flow of labor would stop or slow the progress.

That being said, I loved the Hypnobabies program as preparation for birth. However, I also felt like I wanted to deal with some very specific issues that I had been carrying around. So I looked up a local certified hypnotherapist and booked an appointment.

I had gone through several experiences through my life that I felt could possibly stall my labor. One of the main things that I wanted to focus on in my session was releasing a traumatic situation from my childhood, and forgiving all of those who had been involved in some way. This single experience had changed the course of much of my adult life, and seemed to always hover in the background for me, haunting me still. I felt that, even after years of effective psychotherapy, there was still a part of me that had never been healed from the trauma. The session ended up being focused around “unplugging” my emotional connection to that situation. I was also able to envision myself in a safe place with all of those who had been involved, and I saw each of them as two people. I understood that they existed in this life in the physical form, with all of their flaws and shortcomings. But I also understood that they also existed in Divine form, as their true selves, beautiful and kind. To be able to see them as living the best that they could through the faults of their human form really helped me to release the emotions I had been holding towards them. It was a wonderful experience.

And at the end of the session, I envisioned myself at the age that I had been when this event occurred. I asked this little girl what I should call her, and she said “Smiley”- my father’s nickname for me when I was a child. I held her hand and we walked together to cut the connection to the trauma. I asked her what else she needed from me to be whole. She said that she would be with me when I became a mother, that I could help her to heal by raising my own child with all the love and care that she had felt wasn’t given to her.

One year ago tomorrow, at 9:10 am, my daughter Simone was born. About a minute after she entered the world, she smiled. My doula looked at her and said “Hi, Smiley.” And my heart was full.

When Ego Causes Pain

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There is a certain amount of ego that can come along with running your own business. It’s something that I’ve become more mindful of lately, as I embark on this new level of self exploration. As a yoga teacher, I am placed in the role of providing what could be considered spiritual guidance to my students. As a spiritual teacher of sorts, I know that ego cannot play a role in who I am. Or at least, it cannot take over. I believe that a true spiritual teacher is full of humility and sees a bit of the silliness that is being placed in such a role. Who am I to be a spiritual teacher? I am just one of you, one of all of us.

And so from this place, I’ve started to look at the ways that ego has run rampant, unchecked, in my life over the years. I was experiencing a great deal of stress last week around the idea of being “responsible” for so many people. As a business owner, I was taking full responsibility for the livelihood of each of the studio employees. It was really weighing heavily on me, that somehow if I were to take a misstep and fail, all of these people would suffer as a result. The realization came that this feeling of responsibility for them was actually coming from an ego that had gone awry. I am not the only person who carries the vision of the studio to our customers. I am not the only person who holds space for the people who come in every day. No, we are a team. And the success of the studio is the collective responsibility of everyone who is working there. We all play a part in whether or not our clients choose to stay with us. We are all equals in a sense, even though I have the title of “owner”. What a relief!!

Ego also plays a role in our yoga practices for many people. Who has never looked at someone else on their mat and thought “I should be able to do that. What’s wrong with me that I can’t do that?” I have definitely experienced times when I drove myself too far into a pose that I wasn’t ready for, instead of listening to and honoring my body in the moment. It is a challenge when, for many, the practice of yoga is primarily about the physical results. And yet, the most challenging way for me to practice is from a place of humility. Listening to my body and finding my personal edge in the pose, then staying there even if everyone around me is somewhere else. That is a challenge!

The other piece of my life where I’ve discovered my ego was actually causing me pain was in my personal relationships. I’ve been highly intuitive my entire life, most readily in the form of empathy. I can be speaking with someone or sharing space with someone, and I begin to feel what they are feeling. I’ve always taken this knowledge of other people’s experiences, and used it to change the way I was being in the situation in order to help them feel better. I’ve even been in the habit of using my awareness of their emotions to try and steer them in a certain direction that I deemed to be best for them. I assumed that the gift I was born with was meant to be used for the betterment of those I encounter. At least I can say that, primarily, my intentions have been for the greatest good. But it is incredibly egotistical to believe that I had some kind of better way or right to influence other people because of my gift. Not only that, it has been completely exhausting to have spent every moment calculating how I should be, based on what I’m picking up from those around me. It has been so draining to feel responsible to try and help everyone all of the time. I cannot live this way. I didn’t realize the extent to which I was doing this until very recently, and I am shocked that I had been ignoring such an unbalanced energetic exchange. No wonder I was feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders! I was putting it there with grandiose ideas of self importance.

I recognize that I am coming to a place where I truly understand that the answers I have are only the answers for myself. It’s not that what I have learned is useless, it’s just that if other people are interested- they can ask me. It is not my place to assume responsibility for the healing of every human being that I encounter in life. It is only my work to stand with those along the way on their journeys if they request my presence. I have been given the gifts I have to use when it is asked of me, in ways that are for the greatest good of a willing party. It has never been my responsibility to take care of anyone but myself. (And my child. For now. Until one day, I have to pass that responsibility on to her. I hope she takes her dear sweet time being a child, because that will be a rough day for sure.)

Light/Darkness

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I feel like the practice of positive thinking has been misleading for me. I’m realizing that, in my efforts to remain positive in thought and action, I have been judging and shutting out a whole part of myself. I experienced a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy session last night (amazing work that I highly recommend!) and it brought my attention to the darker sides of myself that were feeling swallowed and ignored.

Overall, I feel incredibly happy and blessed to be able to do what I do every day at the studio. I know, I say it all the time. But it is my truth. I love teaching yoga, I love doing reflexology and energy work sessions. It gives me great joy to see the change on a student’s face when they exit a yoga class- calm, centered, grounded, and focused. I am definitely being sincere when I tell you that my true work in this lifetime brings me a real sense of fulfillment.

But there is also a part of me that is really sad and pissed off. It’s not pretty, I know, which is why I always hide it. Why am I angry? Because I have to ignore what I know is best for me and work a second job that overloads my time in order to be able to live my dream. And that really sucks. I feel sad that I cannot focus on my family the way that I would like to because I am working two full time jobs. I just need to acknowledge that part of myself in a public forum, because stuffing it down and pretending it doesn’t exist is not healthy.

Being angry or sad does not make me a “bad” person, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. I believe that we all experience what we consider to be “negative” emotions sometimes. I’m judging myself, when I decide that what I feel is “negative” and not good to show. And I’m creating a hidden space deep within where that anger and sadness fester unseen, and eventually explode.

As a student in the lifestyle that is yoga, I feel like I’ve taken the message of positive thinking the wrong way. Yes, having a optimistic perspective on things can change reality. Yes, expecting the best and trusting the Universe can lead to a life where abundance flows more freely. But what about honesty as well? There is a balance that comes when we are able to truly see who we are, light and dark, and then be that authentic person out in the world. I want to live free of the shame that comes with self-judgement. I want to recognize that all of my emotions are valid, and hold space for them. I want to see both parts of myself, accepting the whole of my being. Not dive too deeply into either my light or my dark, but be centered in both.

My goal as a yogi is to live a life of balance. And guess what? That means equally experiencing the “good” and the “bad”, allowing space for the full spectrum of emotions. Going further, even, and releasing the judgement that specific emotions are “good” or “bad”. Understanding that having anger with me right now doesn’t mean that I can’t be positive. I just can’t be ONLY positive. I have to be real.